Special Joke Lecture in Political Science since 1997 Christmas
World Ideologies Explained By Cows (The New Version 15

"Two Cows and Earthrights Democracy" in 2006, See below!)

By Whom? No One Knows.


<The Original Version from Australia in Christmas 1997>

FEUDALISM - You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

PURE SOCIALISM - You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.

BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM - You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs the regulations say you should need.

FASCISM - You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

PURE COMMUNISM - You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

RUSSIAN COMMUNISM - You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.

CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM - You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

DICTATORSHIP - You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

PURE DEMOCRACY - You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY - You have two cows. You neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

BUREAUCRACY - You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

LIBERTARIANISM - You have two cows. You are so outraged at your county zoning commission that you slaughter one to help feed the local militia. The other is totally stoned and doesn't produce any milk.

PURE ANARCHY - You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.

ANARCHO-CAPITALISM - You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

SURREALISM - You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.


<The Second Version from Somewhere in the World, 1998>

Ecologism 1-You have two cows. You let them go. But thats good cause it restores the balance of nature and shows that man is not the keeper but part of the natural of the world.


<The Third Version from Lono, Oregon, USA ,1998>

ECOLOGISM 2- You have two cows. Their methane emissions cause global warming. Eco-terrorists raid your farm and release your cows into the wild. Their methane emissions continue to cause global warming.

FEMINISM - You have two cows. You buy a bull. Your enraged neighbors castrate the bull.

NORTH KOREAN COMMUNISM - You have two cows. They starve.

AFRICAN CAPITALISM - You have two cows. In search of better grazing, you cross the border. Customs officers reject your bribe offer as insultingly low, confiscate your cows, and execute you for smuggling. They sell the cows to finance a coup d'etat.

AMERICAN CORPORATISM - You have two cows. A large dairy conglomerate drives you out of business by selling their milk below market value. They buy your cows for a pittance, hook them up to milking machines, and suck them dry within six months.

JAPANESE CORPORATISM - You have two cows. You milk them 60 hours a week. You save the milk. A large dairy conglomerate borrows the milk and dumps it on the world market below production cost. You buy milk for 6,000,000 yen per gallon.

PLURALISM - You have two white cows. Your neighbors want to put their black and brown cows in the community barn with yours. You move to the suburbs and put your cows in a private barn. The government takes away your milk subsidy.

CHINESE MARKET SOCIALISM - You have two cows. You sell the milk on the black market.

COMMUNITARIANISM - You have two cows. You and your neighbors put all of your cows together in one barn. You spend the rest of your lives arguing about whose turn it is to milk them.

ISLAMIC FUNDAMENTALISM - You have two cows. Your neighbors catch you touching their teats while milking them. They stone the cows and cut off your hands.

REPUBLICAN CONSERVATISM - You have two cows. Your neighbors take them and give them to a large dairy conglomerate. The conglomerate dumps their manure in your well. You get sick and take an aspirin. Your neighbors have you arrested on drug charges.

DEMOCRATIC LIBERALISM - You have two cows. Your neighbors take one of them and give it to a poor farmer. He kills it for the meat. Then they take your other cow, give it to the poor farmer, and spend your money training him to milk it. When they leave, he kills it for the meat and sells the meat to buy crack cocaine.


<The Fourth Version on Cow Economy from Somewhere in the World, 1999 New Year Gift>

UNDERWORLD ECONOMY-YOU HAVE TWO COWS. TWO MEN DEMAND MONEY TO PROTECT YOUR COWS FROM "AN UNFORTUNATE ACCIDENT". PAYMENTS COME MORE FREQUENTLY UNTIL YOU CAN'T AFFORD IT ANY MORE AND REFUSE TO PAY. YOU AWAKE ONE MORNING TO FIND ONE OF YOUR COW'S HEAD IN BED WITH YOU. YOU PAY THE NEXT DAY.


<The Fifth Enlarged Version came from Australia in August 1999. Although some are just the same as the first version, I will show you all. Because, it suggests the long global trip and transformation of this joke in these two years! >

PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.

BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and as many eggs as the regulations say you should need.

RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.

MILITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows..

ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to kill you and take the cows.

CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

ENVIRONMENTALISM: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.

FEMINISM: You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf.

LIBERTARIANISM: You have two cows. One has actually read the constitution, believes in it, and has some really good ideas about government. The cow runs for office, and while most people agree that the cow is the best candidate, nobody except the other cow votes for her because they think it would be "throwing their vote away."

FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help You take care of them, and you all share the milk.

APPLIED COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.

DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

NIGERIAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you and sends the cows to Zurich.

MILITARISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.

PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbours decide who gets the milk.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbours pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate". The cow sues you for breach of contract.

BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You feed them sheep's' brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.

EUROPEAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

HONG KONG CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly-listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the right to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because of bad feng shui.

LESBIANISM: You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf.

TOTALITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.

POLITICAL CORRECTNESS: You are associated - the concept of 'ownership' is a symbol of the phallocentric, warmongering, intolerant past - with two differently aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of nonspecified gender.

COUNTERCULTURE: Wow, dude, there's like...these two cows, man. You have *got* to have some of this milk.

SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.


<The Sixth Version comes from M.M. in Sept.1999>

KUWAITI ECONOMICS: The government gives every citizen two cows. Immigrants are hired to build barns, milk and feed the cows. The milk is dumped in the dessert.


<The Seventh Asian Pacific Version by "Manachan", probably a Japanese, living in Australia in March 2000>

Japanese Democracy: You have two cows. A large dairy conglomarate buys them and puts them in their large barn. One day, one of your cows dies unintendedly but no one in the company takes responsibilities. The president of the company does not need to worry about the management result because they know the government will subsidize to cover all the losses caused by their mismanagement.

South Korean Democracy: You have two cows. The government asserts you have had ten cows and eight of them were taken away by the Japanese invasion to Korea during WW II.

North Korean Communism: You have two cows. The government takes the cows and put them in a barn with everyone else's cows. The two cows are so surprised to see every cow here is supposed to join mass games, build thousands of statues of the president, dig underground tunnels to South Korea. For all those efforts, nobody seems to be fed very well.

Chinese Communism: You have two cows. The government claims both of your cows because your barn is located on their own, sacred, inseparable territory of the Peoples Republic of China. The government declare the two cows are to be put in the same barn with everyone else's cows but treated under the different systems.

Taiwanese Democracy: You have two cows. The one defines herself as Taiwanese and the other defines as Chinese. Both of them become diet members. They start fighting and punching each other whenever they start talking whose milk is more delicious.

Philipino Capitalism: You have two cows. One day, a guy came to your barn then took the cows' eyes away and sold them on a black market in Manila. The second day, another guy came to your barn then took the cows' genital organs away and sold them on a black market in Hong Kong. The third day, an old man came and told you that he would like to buy your cows (without eyes and genital organs) in exchange for his own liver.

Thai Liberalism: You have two cows. You hired a guy to take care of them. One day, one of the cows dies because he did not feed her very well. You say to him, "No worries, mate. I still have one cow left". The next day, the cow is stolen and the guy escaped. You say to yourself "Don't worry. It was a charity to Buddha". After a week, both of you and that guy become monks.

Australian Democracy:You have two cows. One of the cows gets up earlier because of the daylight saving program of Queensland. She goes to the beach to enjoy barbies(barbeque) with XXXX beer and tells the company manager that she takes a sicky(sick leave) today. In the meantime, another cow gets up, takes a sicky and drives to the stadium in Sydney to enjoy football games with her favorate Tooheys Draught.

[Dear friends: You can also find this Asia-pacific version in my homepage "Manachan's World". Please visit me in cyber space and your e-mail message is greatly appreciated, too. Manachan]


<The Eighth Version from M.M. , Alaska, in April 2000>

Cubanism : You have two cows. One flees to America with a relative. It is made a symbol with hopes of returning home lessening. You know only have one normal cow and another cow in a bubble!


<The Ninth Version from Lono, Oregon, in November 2000, who was the author of the third version>

AMERICAN GLOBALISM: You have two cows. They produce great quantities of rich, sweet, healthy milk which you sell under contract to a dairy conglomerate. One day the dairy conglomerate tells you that unless you sell them the milk below production cost they will void your contract and buy dog milk from Guatemala.

JAPANESE ULTRANATIONALISM: You have two cows. You sell their milk all over the world. You refuse to allow foreign milk into the country because it is foreign milk.

MEXICAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Milking them is too much trouble so you flee to America and go on welfare.

RUSSIAN FEMINISM: You have two cows. Your husband refuses to milk them. One evening you serve your husband a glass of milk mixed with vodka. The next morning he is up at 4:00 a.m. milking the cows.

MULTINATIONAL CORPORATISM: You have two cows. You clear-cut the Amazonian rain forest to create grazing land, have the cows milked in China by prison labor, powder the milk to sell to poor African nursing mothers who mix it with water from a drainage ditch, and give a share of your profits to Republican Congressmen.

AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. They hold a presidential election. One cow votes for George W. Bush and one votes for Al Gore. Bush claims victory. Gore claims the other cow really meant to vote for him.

CANADIAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You are not allowed to sell any milk in Quebec because your cows moo in English.

RUSSIAN CAPITALISM: You have two cows. The Russian Mafia takes your milk and deposits it in a bank in Zurich. You blame American capitalism.

FRENCH FREE MARKET CAPITALISM: You have two cows. The government subsidizes your barn, feed and milking machines. The McDonald's in Paris buys all your milk, earning you a substantial profit. You drive your tractor into town and throw rocks at the Golden Arches.

SWEDISH SOCIALISM: You have two cows. Your veterinary bills are paid by the government. A high price for your milk is guaranteed by the government. You have an annual gross income of $162,000 with eight months paid vacation. Your income tax bill is $431,000.

GERMAN CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You just can't wait for another chance to drive them across the Rhine and graze them in France.

COLOMBIAN CAPITALISM: You have two cows. Once a month you hitch them to a wagon and drive your coca leaves to market.


<The Tenth Additional Version from Lono, Oregon, in Christmas 2000>

AMERICAN CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALISM: You have two cows. Eleven weeks before Thanksgiving, your local Chamber of Commerce slaughters one of them to pay for wreaths, tinsel and blinking lights to decorate the other cow for the Christmas season. After shopping for gifts, you slaughter the remaining cow to pay off your MasterCard bill.


<The Eleventh Additional Version from Lono, Oregon, in February 2002>

ENRONOMICS

You have two imaginary cows. You bribe 300 congressmen to enact legislation declaring imaginary cows real. You make $5 billion selling imaginary milk futures. When the milk futures go sour, you award all the corporate executives with enormous bonuses and flee to Cayman Islands. Your employees, shareholders and creditors get trampled. By real cows.


<The Twelfth Additional Version from "Jacob & Lisa," in March 2002>

Monsanto Democracy

You have two cows. You inject them both with hormones. They don't calve, but the female produces a lot of milk. It tastes funny. You can't sell it because Tesco's wants organic milk. The cows die far earlier than predicted. You buy two more cows from the company ... every year.


<The Thirteenth Additional Version from Anders Benson, Chicago, in June 2004>

IRAQUI DEMOCRACY

You have two cows. John Ashcroft links one to Al-Qaida and declares the othera WMD.

 

<The Fourteenth Global Version from Hongkong?, in August 2004>

HONG KONG CAPITALISM:

You have 2 cows. You sell 3 of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then you execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all 4 cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping 5 cows. The milk rights are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all 7 cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns 8 cows, with an option to purchase one more. Meanwhile, you kill the 2 cows because the feng shui is bad.

 

SINGAPORE DEMOCRACY:

You have 2 cows. The government fines you for keeping 2 unlicensed animals in an apartment.

 

AMERICAN DEMOCRACY:

The government promises to give you 2 cows if you vote for them. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate".

 

BRITISH DEMOCRACY:

You have 2 cows. You feed them sheep's brain and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.

 

RUSSIAN DEMOCRACY:

You are still queuing for the first cow.

 

IRAQI DEMOCRACY:

You cannot inspect the 2 cows.

 

MALAYSIAN DEMOCRACY:

The cows are now controlled from grazing and you are jailed for being unfit to rear cows.

 

JAPANESE DEMOCRACY:

You have 2 cows. You give the milk for gangsters so they don't ask awkward questions about whom you are giving the milk to.

 


<The Fifteenth Additional Version from Paul Justus, eureka springs,ar ,September 2006> 

Two Cows and Earthrights Democracy

Geo-Classical Economics (aka Earthrights Democracy, Geonomics, Geoism, Georgist Economics): You have two cows.

You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. The state does not tax you for your labor or your cattle. It does, however, charge a user fee for the rental value of your land. The state returns a citizen's dividend natural resource allotment. You and your neighbors prosper.

see: http://www.progress.org/cgo/

and http://www.earthshift.org

If someone would like to add Liberalism, Pluralism, Corporatism, Feminism, Ecologism, Communitarianism, Chinese Market Socialism, North Korean Communism, Japanese Conformism etc, or you can make a new version, please mail me your idea !



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